Wizard of Kohona
by demondog-alchemist
Summary: lol, i hope you all like this one, it's my first one on  please be easy on me, and remember: it's supposed to be funny!
1. Chapter 1

_**Chapter one: the beginning**_

_**A.K.A, Sasuke gets hit on the head with lots 'o things.**_

One day, Sasuke was walking along with his dog, Akamaru, when his mean neighbor, Itachi, snatched him up by his tail.

"Hey, what are you doing?!" Sasuke screamed, grabbing for Akamaru, who was being held high above the older boy's head.

"This damn mutt of yours keeps coming into my house and spilling my nail polish bottles!" Itachi spouted, shaking the dog around as it yelped in pain. Sasuke-chan raised an eyebrow.

"You wear nail polish?" He said, cocking an eyebrow.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I do." He said, flicking his free wrist so his purple nail polish shined in the light. Sasuke just shook his head. "Anyway, that's beside the point. If I catch your stupid dog in my house again, I'm shipping him off to the pound!" He growled, putting Akamaru back on the ground and walking away. Sasuke stuck his tongue out at him as he walked away.

"Stupid gaywad…" he muttered, carrying Akamaru back to their house. Sasuke, Akamaru, Sasuke's uncle Croww, Sasuke's other uncle Tinn, and his aunt Lyon all lived on a wine vineyard, making the alcoholic beverage for a living. (Well, aside from Akamaru, since he was a dog.) As he walked back to the vineyard, he heard a howling sound in the distance. He looked behind him slowly, scared to death of what might be behind him. His eyes got huge as he saw the huge tornado coming up fast behind him.

"Oh, f- we don't live anywhere near tornado valley!" He swore, grabbing Akamaru and bolting off toward the vineyard. His hair blew around his head like crazy, and he was panting as he ran inside his room. Akamaru barked, which probably meant something like, "bark bark, master! Shouldn't you tell the rest of your family about the tornado?" Somehow, Sasuke seemed to understand this and said dryly, "I hope they're not so retarded they don't notice the giant fricking tornado outside!" suddenly, the ground began to shake. Sasuke yelped, losing his balance and falling on the floor. As he was about to get up, the window exploded in a shower of glass, falling on him. Then a lamp fell on his head. Then a dresser. Then a bowling ball.

"Why the frick do things keep hitting me on the head??!!" He screamed, before his pillow exploded into a flying mass of feathers. One of these deadly feathers floated through the air, landing directly on Sasuke-chan's head, knocking him unconscious.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Chapter two: Midget land**_

As our poor hero came to, he saw that his vineyard home was flying through the air. As he looked out the window, he saw Itachi walking by, walking on air. He rubbed his eyes, and as he watched, Itachi transformed into a witch putting on evil nail polish of doom. As Sasuke was about to yell out the window and tell him what a gaywad he was, the house came to an abrupt stop, sending poor Sasuke flying out the broken door.

"OW!" he cried, rubbing the bruise that was slowly forming on the back of his head. He heard quiet giggling, and a vein pulsed on his temple.

"WHAT IS SO DAMN FUNNY!?!" He roared. A short boy wearing a funny-looking hat and a blue cape stepped out from behind a bush, laughing his ass off.

"Nice dress!" He laughed, pointing at Sasuke's clothes. Sasuke paused for a second, staring at the boy before he looked down. He immediately regretted doing so. He was now wearing a bright blue dress with a white apron and thigh-high socks, with no shoes.. His left eye twitched slightly.

"What in the seven hells is th-" He began, getting cut off as a small girl squealed loudly behind him. He spun around, wondering what could be so damn important that he was interrupted. A short little girl with big black eyes was holding a stick, poking something that was sticking out from under Sasuke's house. Sasuke noticed whatever it was, it was shiny, so he walked over to take a look. Two long blue legs were sticking out from under the house, with a pair of sparkly red pumps on them.

"Oh crap, I landed on some blue ho with horrible fashion sense…" Sasuke muttered, looking at the legs. The little boy and girl smiled widely at him, hugging him tightly.

"Our hero! Our hero! You killed the wicked witch!" they giggled, dancing around. Sasuke blinked, looking at them.

"The….what?" he asked, looking at them. They smiled, dancing around Sasuke, thoroughly scaring the crap out of him.

"Oh, Konohamaru, we need to call the good witch!" The little girl said, taking a cell phone out of her pocket.

"Wait, why are you using a cell phone instead of her poofing down here in her giant bubble?" The boy, Konohamaru, asked.

"She told me the bubble's being dry-cleaned, so we need to call her. Dumb witch is wasting my minutes…" the girl muttered, hitting speed dial number one on her cell. "Hi, nice witch. Guess what?" there was a pause on the other end. "No, he hasn't called back." The girl replied, frowning. There was faint screaming on the other end. Apparently, the nice bitch was mad. "Yes, I know he's a jerk…" the girl muttered, "but I have good news! The wicked witch is dead!" she said cheerfully. There was a pause on both ends, and the short girl clicked her phone off. "She'll be here in one moment…" the girl said, pocketing her phone again.

"She's mad, huh?" Konohamaru asked, playing with his cape.

"Yeah, that stupid Shikamaru didn't call…" The girl said, rolling her eyes. Just then, there was a loud POOF! And suddenly a blonde girl with her long hair pulled back in a ponytail wearing a huge pink dress in a soaking wet white bubble was floating in front of Sasuke. He screamed, falling over. The girl coughed, waiting for Sasuke to pull his skirt down over his thighs and stand up, blushing bright red.

"Hello," she said, eyeing him, "I am Ino, the witch of the north." She smiled slightly, looking at the blue legs under his house. "And it looks like you have killed my sister Kisame, the wicked witch of the east. Very good." She smiled. Sasuke stepped up to her, poking her bubble. It immediately popped, making her fall to the ground. "Ow! You burst my bubble!" she screamed, rubbing her butt.

"Sorry, but would you mind telling me where the frick I am?" he said, looking around. Everything was very small, and so colorful his eyes hurt.

"This is midget land." Ino said. "And these are some of the midgets." She added, motioning to the two.

"And how did I get he-" Sasuke began again, but was once again cut off by a large cloud of black smoke. He was getting pissed of, being interrupted so much. Out of the smoke stepped Itachi, wearing a long black dress, putting on more evil nail polish of doom. He looked up at Sasuke as he materialized, scowling.

"Look what you did! You killed my sister, the witch of the east! How could you?!?!" He screamed, running over to the house. Ino smiled.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" She asked. Itachi looked up at her, confused. She sighed. "The shoes, you retard. Take the fricking shoes."

As Itachi nodded, kneeling down to steal his dead sister's shoes, they disappeared, and Kisame's legs turned to ashes as well. He stood up, enraged, and glared at Ino.

"WHERE ARE MY SHOES?!" He screamed at her. She pointed to Sasuke's feet, since he was now wearing the red pumps.

"Hey, I don't want these things!" he exclaimed, trying to tug them off. They wouldn't budge.

"Quit your bitching, they'll help you get home." Ino said, rolling her eyes. Itachi scoffed in defeat.

"Fine, you know what? Keep the shoes. But I'll get you, pretty boy! And your dumb dog too!" he screamed, disappearing in another huge puff of smoke. Sasuke started coughing.

"Stupid smoke…I'm gonna die of secondhand smoke…" He muttered, looking at Ino. "Who the hell was that?"

"That was Itachi, the wicked witch of the west." Ino said, looking at her nails.

"But I thought I killed her!"

"No, you killed Kisame, the wicked witch of the east. That was her sister, the bitch of the west. He's even bitchier than Kisame. And it looks like he kinda wants to kill you now. Sucks to be you." She said, taking a bubble wand out of her pocket and blowing a bubble around herself.

"Wait!" Sasuke yelled to her. "What am I supposed to do?!" Ino rolled her eyes.

"Just go see the wizard of Kohona. She should be able to get you back home." She said getting ready to go. Sasuke called out again.

"Well, how do I get there?!?!" he yelled, looking ticked off.

"Follow the yellow brick road, retard. Haven't you ever seen this movie?" She scoffed, disappearing. The two midgets smiled, hopping around and pushing Sasuke down the yellow road he was on, chanting 'follow the yellow brick road! Follow the yellow brick road!' Sasuke sighed, picking up Akamaru and beginning his journey.

"I don't see why I have to follow the yellow fricking road…" he muttered.


	3. Chapter 3: Naruto the scarecrow

_**Chapter Three: Naruto the scarecrow**_

Sasuke looked around as he walked out of midget land, following the yellow road as he was told by the creepy little midgets. Soon, Akamaru got sick of walking and ran off, leaving Sasuke to walk by himself.

"Well, doesn't that just suck… dumb dog wasn't important anyway…" Sasuke muttered to himself as he kept walking. He stopped when he noticed there was a fork in the road. "Oh, tra-la-fricking-la. _Now _where the hell am I supposed to go? It's not like I'm a psychic, I don't know which way leads me anywhere! And these frickin' pumps are killing me! How do girls walk in these damned things?!" He screamed at no one. After his little male-pms-bitchy-fit was over, he sank to his knees in defeat, looking at the road. "Where the hell am I supposed to go…?" he asked miserably.

"You could go that way." A voice said from nowhere, scaring the crap out of Sasuke. He looked around wildly, searching for whoever said that. All he saw was a scarecrow, pointing left down the road.

"I'm losing it…" he muttered, looking at the blonde, spiky haired scarecrow. "Scarecrows don't talk…" He went back to his whining, complaining about how he wished he was back in Japan on his vineyard, drinking all the free wine he could behind his guardian's backs. When suddenly, the same voice came out of nowhere.

"But, um, some people go that way, too…" Sasuke jumped up and looked around again, seeing nothing but the same scarecrow, pointing right down the road. _Wait a second…_ Sasuke did a double-take, looking at the scarecrow. _Wasn't he pointing down the left road?_ He walked over to the scarecrow, watching it carefully.

"And, um, some people go both ways…" It said, crossing his arms to point both ways. Sasuke jumped back as it spoke.

"WHAT THE FRICK?!" He screamed, looking at the scarecrow. The scarecrow sighed, scratching his head. "DID YOU JUST TALK?!" he screamed, thrusting his index finger in the poor scarecrow's face. The scarecrow blinked, confused.

"I dunno…did I?" he asked, looking at Sasuke.

"Yes." Sasuke said, looking at him.

"Oh." The scarecrow said. "Hey!" He exclaimed, looking at sasuke suddenly. "You're a human, huh? You think you can help me down? I'm stuck up this pole…right?" he asked, looking confused. Sasuke just sighed, walking behind him and shaking the pole. The scarecrow just fell off.

"You couldn't have thought of that yourself?" Sasuke asked dryly as the scarecrow fell on his whiskered face.

"No…" He said, face down. "I don't got a brain." Sasuke rolled his eyes, pulling him to his feet.

"What do you mean, you don't have a brain?" He asked as the scarecrow dusted himself off.

"I was made without one, and now I can't think at all. Not a single thought." He said, shaking his apparently empty head. A handful of straw fell out, and he bent down to stuff it back in. Sasuke sighed.

"Well, I'm off to see some wizard chick who's supposed to take me back home to Japan so I can drink more wine. You wanna come to see her with me?" he asked. The scarecrow cocked his head to the side.

"What's a 'Japan'? does it taste good?" He asked, licking his lips. Sasuke sighed in aggravation.

"It's where I _come from_, you idiot. You don't _eat_ it. Now, do you wanna come with me or not?"

"To Japan?" Sasuke grit his teeth.

"_No_, to see the wizard of Kohona!" he said, looking at the scarecrow. He shrugged.

"I guess…" he mumbled.

"Fine. My name's Sasuke." He said, extending his hand to the small scarecrow. "What's yours?" The scarecrow paused for a long time.

"It's…..er…." he said, looking confused. Sasuke gave him a dry look.

"You forgot your _name_…?" he asked, looking at the confused scarecrow.

"NARUTO!" He screamed suddenly. He blushed a little at the scared-out-of-his-mind look Sasuke was giving him. "My name…is Naruto." He said. "Man, I wish I had a brain…" He mumbled. Suddenly, he perked up, and began to sing, scaring Sasuke even more.

"Well, my head I'd be scratchin' while my thoughts were busy hatchin', if I only had a brain!" Sasuke interrupted him, punching him in his face.

"No. Singing." He snapped, glaring at Naruto. Naruto nodded quickly, rubbing his nose where Sasuke hit him.

"That's okay! But can this wizard really give me a brain? That'd be great!" He burst out into song again. "With all the thought I'd be thinkin', I could be another Lincoln, if I only had a braaaaain!" Sasuke beat him again, this time kicking him in the gut.

"NO SINGING!" He screamed, glaring at the blonde again. He nodded quicker this time.

"Right. Sorry. I'm really not good at remembering things…" He said. Sasuke rolled his eyes, patting him on the head.

"It's fine…just don't do it again…" He mumbled, beginning to walk away. "You coming?" He called over his shoulder. Naruto straightened up quickly, running to catch up with him.

"Yessir!" He grinned wide again, humming a tune. As Sasuke glared at him, he pouted. "Can't I at least hum?"

"No."

"snap?"

"No."

"Whistle?"

"No." Naruto gave him a huge puppy-dog pout, with tiny tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

"Aw, can't I _please_ sing, Sasuke-chan?" Sasuke sighed, blushing slightly. Damn those big eyes.

"If you promise to never call me Sasuke-chan again." He grumbled, looking away from the blonde. Naruto beamed.

"Ohhhhhhhh, we're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Kohona…."

_God, please save me…_ Sasuke thought to himself.


	4. Chapter 4enter Gaara emo tin man

_**Chapter four: enter Gaara: emo tin man. **_

As Sasuke and Naruto were walking, Sasuke heard his stomach growling. Naruto hear it too, and looked around wildly.

"What was that?! Is something following us?" He said, grabbing Sasuke's arm in fright. Sasuke sighed, pushing him off.

"No, genius. It's just my stomach. I'm hungry." He said, continuing his walk. At least Naruto's singing had stopped. The scarecrow perked up, looking at him.

"Oh, do you want something to eat? I think I remember how to get apples from these trees…" He said, looking around at the apple trees surrounding them. "No, wait…I….I think I forgot." He said, looking at his feet. Sasuke rolled his eyes at him, walking up to a tree.

"You forgot how to grab and tug something? I find that hard to believe, since you've been doing it to my arm since you started following me…" he said dryly, as he grabbed a low hanging apple. Naruto blushed slightly.

"I-I thought something was f-following us…" he muttered, looking at Sasuke as he tugged at the apple. "I…don't think that's how you get apples…" He said, watching. The apple wouldn't budge.

"If this is wrong, then how am I _supposed_ to get apples?" Sasuke said through gritted teeth, still trying to get the fruit down. Just then, a gruff voice erupted from the tree he was tugging.

"Hey, you little cross-dressing brat, get off my damned apple!" It said, and the tree started shaking violently, sending Sasuke sprawling. He pulled his frilly skirt down, blushing red.

"Like I chose this outfit!" he growled at the tree. "Do I look like the author to you?! Do you really think I want to be in a damned dress?!" he screamed at the tree.

"At least I'm not crazy, you little psycho! You don't see _me_ yanking stuff off _you!_" The tree yelled back. Naruto looked back and forth between the two.

"I'm not crazy!" Sasuke screamed, glaring at the tree.

"You're yelling at a tree because you can't get an apple!" It shot back. If it had a face, it would be smirking.

"The tree has a point, Sasuke-chan…" Naruto said to his new friend. Sasuke gave him a death glare, turning back to the tree.

"Fine, you know what? I don't even want any of your _rotten_ apples!" He yelled at the tree. The tree was silent for a moment, before it started hurling apples at Sasuke's head.

"MY! APPLES! ARE! NOT! ROTTEN!" It screamed, hurling them at him. Naruto and Sasuke screamed, running away from the angry tree.

"You really have problems making friends, don't you?" Naruto said while they were running. Sasuke was about to retort, but before he could he ran face-first into a hard metal object, and found himself on the ground. "Sasuke! Sasuke!!" Naruto yelled, shaking him. "Please don't die now, I wanna brain!!!" Sasuke frowned, opening one eye.

"Glad to see you're so concerned about _me_." He said angrily, getting up. "What the hell did I hit…?" he looked up, to come face-to face with a boy made out of tin. His silver skin shined in the sun, and he had an axe in his hand, getting ready to swing it down. He was covered in rust, and his mouth was just slightly open. Sasuke took a big step back to get a better, full view. The boy looked angry, and he had dark rust stains all around his eyes, and some sort of marking on his forehead. Naruto and Sasuke were silent for a moment, looking at the boy, until they heard a faint voice.

"O…..i…..l…." Sasuke looked around quickly, surveying the area to see what made the noise.

"What the…?" he said, glancing around. Naruto had firmly attached himself to Sasuke's leg, and was gripping it for dear life, scared out of his mind.

"SOMETHING'S TRYING TO KILL US, SASUKE-CHAN!" he shouted as Sasuke pried him off.

"O…i…l…" the voice said again, a little clearer this time. Sasuke turned again, to see what could be making the noise.

"What in the seven hells _is_ that…?" he asked, spinning around again. Naruto was shaking.

"O..i..l……dumb……asses……" the voice came again. Sasuke turned to look at the metal boy, blinking.

"Hey, Naruto-dobe, I think the tin can just said oil. Look around for an oil can, okay?"

"What's an oil can? Does it taste good?" Naruto said, cocking his head to the side. Sasuke frowned.

"Why do you care how it tastes?! You're a _scarecrow_, you don't _eat_!" he shouted, making Naruto step back, his eyes wide. Sasuke sighed, ruffling the small scarecrow's head. "Never mind… an oil can looks like any can, except it has a spout you pour oil from at the top." He said, looking around for one. Naruto nodded to himself, looking around on the ground for one. He stopped suddenly, picking up a small tin can from the ground and looking at it.

"Is this it, Sasuke?" he asked, turning it over in his hands. Sasuke turned to look at it and nodded.

"Yeah, now let me see it." He said, taking it from Naruto. He turned to the tin boy, holding the can up to his face. "Where do you want to be oiled first, Rusty?" he asked, shaking the can.

"My……m…..outh……….." he said in a barely audible, creaky voice. Sasuke nodded, wincing, and poured some of the oil on the boy's mouth, and on his jaw so he could talk. He moved his mouth slowly, rotating his jaw bone, before talking. "Good. Now, do my arms. If I don't put this fucking ax down in two seconds, I'm going to murder somebody." He said in a dark, acidic voice that left no doubt in Sasuke or Naruto's mind that he actually _would_ kill them. Sasuke quickly oiled his shoulder blades and elbows, and as he did so, the ax swung down, narrowly missing the side of his head. "Thank god I don't have to carry that _thing_ anymore…" he sighed, grabbing the oil can out of Sasuke's hands. "Don't even _think_ of doing the rest of me. I got it." He said, oiling up and down his legs, and oiling out a few creaked in his neck before turning to Naruto and Sasuke. "What are _you_ looking at? Do you have a problem?" he asked coldly. They both shook their heads quickly. "Good. Now, who are you people, and why is that boy," -he thrust a rusty finger at Sasuke- "Wearing a dress?" Sasuke frowned slightly.

"I'm Naruto, Kohona's best scarecrow!" he said proudly, puffing out his chest. Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"The _only_ thing scary about you is your singing. My name's Sasuke, and I'm going to see the wizard of Kohona to see if she'll get me home. But who are you?" he asked, looking at the tin boy. He frowned at Sasuke.

"My name is Gaara." He said simply. He looked at Sasuke a while before asking, "This wizard… do you think she could get me something?" Sasuke blinked.

"Why would I know? She might. It's not as though we're best buddies. What do you need?"

"See for yourself." He said, grabbing Sasuke's hand and pressing it against his chest. Sasuke tried to wriggle out of his grip.

"what the hell?! I can't feel _anything,_ so let go of me!" he cried as Gaara let go.

"Exactly. You don't feel anything. No beat." He sighed, looking thoughtful. The bastard who made me never gave me a heart. And I want one." He said, looking down. Naruto smiled, beginning to sing again.

"Because he's just presumin', he could be kinda human if he only had a hea-!" he said, until he was cut off by Gaara's cold hand on his throat, choking the hell out of him.

"No singing." He seethed, letting go. Naruto nodded fiercely, rubbing his neck.

"So, you want to come with us?" Sasuke asked, looking at the slightly injured Naruto.

"If it'll get me a heart." Gaara shrugged.

"Fine. Consider yourself part of the group." Sasuke said. "On one condition; don't kill the blonde dobe. He wants to come too." He added. Naruto began singing again, in his loud, annoying voice.

"Weeee're off to see the wizard! The wonderful wizard of Kohona!" He smiled, dancing along ahead of them. Gaara turned to Sasuke.

"I can't make that promise." He said, his left eye twitching.


	5. Chapter 5:Scradycat

_**Chapter Five: Scardy-Cat**_

Sasuke and Gaara looked exasperated as Naruto Continued on to the sixty-third verse of 'I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves', and Gaara was slowly coming up behind him, ax in hand. Sasuke ran up and forced his arm down before Naruto turned around.

"So, where _is_ this wizard, Sasuke-chan?" He asked, clearly oblivious to Gaara's attempt at murdering him. Sasuke shrugged.

"How am I supposed to know? I'm just following the stupid yellow-!" he said dryly, but was cut off by a big burst of purple smoke in front of them. The smoke cleared, revealing everyone's favorite evil-purple-nail-polish-wearing-gaywad, Itachi. He glared at Sasuke angrily.

"I see you've found yourself some friends to help you steal my sister's pumps! Well," he said, sneering at Naruto and Gaara, "they don't look like threats to me. Look at this one! I could make a bonfire with all that straw!" He said, pointing at Naruto, who flinched, muttering something about fire. "And the metal one looks more like a sex toy than a helper!" He said, laughing at Gaara's horrified expression. "Just you wait, you little bitch! I'll get my pumps back! You just wait!" he yelled, disappearing in an explosion of purple smoke.

"YOU CAN HAVE 'EM BACK! WHO SAID I WANTED THEM? AND WHO'RE YOU CALLING BITCH?!?!?!" Sasuke screamed after him, fuming as he tried to tug off the heels once again, and once again failing. Naruto poked Sasuke's shoulder gently, and he turned to look at him. "What?

"You wouldn't let that scary girl-man burn me, would you?" he said, eyes wide. "I'm scared of fire…" Sasuke smirked, shaking his head.

"Nobody's gonna burn you." He muttered, giving up on getting the shoes off. Gaara was just standing there, twitching every two to ten seconds.

"he….called….me….a….sex…….toy……." he said, twitching between every word. Suddenly, he noticed this was very un-Gaara-ish, and regained his composure. "Alright, we need to kill that guy." He said in a murderous tone. Sasuke and Naruto nodded. So, they continued walking until they got to a forest.

"Great…a forest. Filled with bugs and dirt and animals that can kill us…" Sasuke bitched, looking at the road leading into it.

"What kinds of animals do you think will be in there…?" Naruto asked, looking. "Lions?"

"and tigers." Gaara added. "And bears."

"Oh my!" Sasuke said in a high girly voice for some reason. He blinked as the other two looked at him. "Forget I ever said that." He said sternly, walking ahead of them into the forest. They followed closely behind, not wanting to get lost. They walked and walked for what seemed like ages, until they heard a low growling sound again, much like before when Sasuke's stomach was growling. Gaara looked around them.

"Gosh, Sasuke, you're kinda a pig, huh? Didn't you eat enough already?" Naruto asked, looking at Sasuke. He blushed slightly, glaring at Naruto.

"That's not me, dobe!" He hissed, looking around like Gaara was. Suddenly, the growling turned into a roar, and in a bright yellow flash there was a girl with bright pink hair in a large, cute-looking lion suit with big floppy ears standing in front of them. The girl grinned widely at them, and they all had a Kodak moment.

"Ah-ha! I knew it! Trespassers in my forest!" she said proudly, putting up her pawed hands, boxer-style. "I'll make you guys pay for trespassing in _my_ forest! Come on!" she said, looking at all the confused expressions. "How about you, cross-dresser! Think you can take me on?!" she said, jumping in front of Sasuke. He blinked. "Or how about you, straw-boy?! Wanna fight a lion?!" she said, pointing at Naruto. "And how about you, tin-ma!" she began, before Gaara hit her hard over the head with the flat of his ax. She faceplanted hard in the dirt.

"Shut the hell up." He said dryly, looking down at her. She looked up, and her forehead was bleeding.

"OW! THAT REALLY HURT! PLEASE DON'T HURT ME AGAIN! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!" She bawled, grabbing onto his leg. Sasuke raised an eyebrow at her.

"What happened to 'I own this forest and I'm gonna kill you'?" he asked, looking at the quivering girl. She shook her head rapidly.

"No, I would never do that! I don't have the guts! The courage! The nerve!!!" she sobbed into her lion suit, looking at him. "I'm just scared that if people knew I was a scardy-cat lion, they'd take my forest away from me!" she cried. Naruto felt sorry for her.

"Well, don't worry. We won't take your home away. We're just going to see if this wizard lady can get Sasuke-chan a heart, Gaara-kun a brain, and me a home!" he beamed brightly. Sasuke sighed.

"No, we're getting _me_ a home, Naruto a brain, and Gaara a heart." He said, rolling his eyes.

"Oh. Alright then…wait a second!" she said, her eyes lighting up. "Could this wizard get me some nerve?" she asked hopefully. Naruto nodded, smiling.

"I bet!" he said excitedly. The girl clapped her gloved hands together happily.

"Great! Then I'll come with you! My name is Sakura." She said, smiling. Sasuke and Gaara sighed, knowing what was coming. Naruto burst out into song, dancing and twirling around.

"I'll bet she could show her prowess, be a lion, not a mouess, if she only had the nerve!" he said, skipping happily. Sakura turned to the other two.

"Can I hit him?"

"Yes." They both said immediately.


	6. Chapter 6: into the City

Chapter six: into the city- with stomach troubles.

Itachi gritted his teeth as he looked through his crystal ball at Sasuke and his gang, getting closer and closer to the Sapphire City. He scowled at his Flying monkey.

"That little brat is trying to run off home with my sissy's pumps!" he cried, watching them. The monkey cocked his head at his mistress-er, master. "I need something that will stop them dead in their tracks… something with poison in it should work…I know! Ramen! Pleasing to the smell, and delicious to the taste…ramen will stop those fools!" He howled, laughing. He took the small brush out of his nail polish case and waved it in the air, showering purple, sparkly polish everywhere.

Meanwhile, Sasuke and his posse are walking through a meadow, laughing as Gaara once again threatens to end Naruto's life for singing. This time he was on his 99th verse of '99 bottles of pop on the wall'. Luckily, he didn't know what to do after he ran out of bottles, so he stopped. Gaara sighed, swinging down his axe and just missing Naruto's head. Sakura was shaking behind Sasuke.

"H-he's going t-to try and kill m-me, I k-know it…" she said, terrified of Gaara. Sasuke couldn't blame her for being scared of him. What he _could_ blame her for being afraid of was the stump, birds, and 'evil leaf of doom' they had passed, each earning a horrified shriek from the cowardly lion. It was wearing on our sasuke-chan's nerves.

"He. Is. Not. Trying. To. Kill. You." He said through gritted teeth. Suddenly, Naruto let out a soud-barrior-shattering whoop of joy, causing all the travelers to look ahead to where he was pointing.

"A…a….a….!" he said, trying to remember the word for his most favorite of favorite things. Sasuke looked ahead in disbelief.

"Ramen stand?!" he cried, looking at it. Naruto nodded quickly.

"Yeah! yeah! yeah! THAT!!!" he said happily, running up to it. Gaara and Sakura followed him. Sasuke just looked at it.

"Why the hell is there a ramen stand in the middle of nowhere…?" he asked as he watched them order.

"I'LLHAVEONESUPER-SIZEDRAMENDISHPLEASE!!!!!" Naruto shouted at the man working the cart. He smiled evilly, handing him a tub filled with Ramen. Naruto smiled, grabbing the enormous spoon and bringing it up to his mouth, only to have it bounce off his painted-on mouth. He froze for a moment, taking another spoonful and bringing it up to his face, before it once again slid down his painted chin. He started to cry huge anime tears as he tried to stuff more ramen down his throat, failing every time. Sasuke sighed, walking over to him.

"What?" he said dryly, looking down at his straw companion. He was bawling as he looked at the ramen.

"I….I can't eat it!" he cried, looking at it. Suddenly, his face lit up as he pushed the bowl toward Sasuke. Sasuke backed away slowly.

"Oh no! I'm not eating-." Ha protested, before Naruto let loose a devastating puppy-dog pout.

"Will you _please_ eat it for me…Sasuke-chan?" he asked, holding out the bowl. Sasuke blushed, nodding, and took the bowl from the beaming scarecrow. "thank you, Sasuke-chan." He smiled as Sasuke ate a spoonful of it. Sakura and Gaara just watched, Sakura licking up her ramen and Gaara pouring it out, not wanting to rust again.

"They're like a couple, aren't they?" Sakura asked as she licked up her drink. Gaara nodded silently, waiting for them to finish eating. As soon as those who were able to eat had eaten, the gang began walking again. They hadn't walked very far before they saw a bright blue city up ahead, and a sign beside the path that said,

_**Sapphire City,**_

_**Home to the Wizard of Kohona!**_

"We're almost there!" Sasuke exclaimed, almost smiling. He would have smiled, but that would have been very un-Sasuke like, wouldn't it? Suddenly, the Uchiha boy stopped dead in his tracks, holding his stomach tightly. Naruto and Gaara looked at him, and Sakura did the same thing. Gaara looked at her.

"What? We're almost there!" he said, pointing to the city. "We are _not _stopping now." He added, glaring at her.

"What is it, Sasuke-chan?" Naruto said, poking his friend.

"I….I feel sick….." he groaned, clutching his sides. "I think….that damn ramen gave me diarrhea…" he added, blushing slightly. Gaara groaned, taking a step back, and Naruto looked confused.

"What's that?" he asked, looking at sasuke. He couldn't talk at the moment, he was focusing too hard on…other things.

"It's a sickness that makes you have to shit yourself." Gaara said dryly, looking at Sasuke and Sakura.

"Wow, that doesn't sound fun!" Naruto said, beaming despite the bad news. Sasuke glared at him, holding his stomach. Sakura groaned.

"Well, we're not stopping here." Gaara said simply, hoisting Sakura onto his shoulder. Naruto nodded eagerly, grabbing sasuke around the stomach and throwing him over his shoulder. He let out a groan of protest at being flung like a rag doll, but couldn't waste precious energy screaming. Gaara and Naruto ran to the gates as fast as they could, hauling their baggage with them. When they reached the gates, a small man answered it.

"Go away." He said, as sweetly as someone _can_ say it while scowling at someone.

"What?" Gaara growled, glaring fire at the man. The man blinked, putting on a terrified smile.

"N-never mind…" he said, smiling and opening the door. The foursome smiled, walking through the gates and into the Sapphire City.


	7. Chapter 7: a pissed off girl er boy

Chapter Seven: a very pissed off girl-er, boy.

As soon as they were in the city, Sasuke bolted to the nearest bathroom, nearly going on himself from the pressure. When he came back out, sighing, he saw that Sakura had also come back, and Naruto was apparently having a conversation with a very aggravated man. As he got closer, it was clear why.

"So… You _can't_eat a horse?" Naruto asked.

"_No_." the man said, sounding exasperated.

"Then why is that an expression? 'So hungry I could eat a horse'…?"

"I don't _know_, kid. I just said I'd let you ride my horse. I don't _want_ you to eat it." Sasuke quickly intervened, before this man killed Naruto.

"Er, excuse me? What's this about a horse ride?" He asked, pushing Naruto slightly out of the way. He pouted.

"Yes, I was just saying to your little friend here," he glared slightly at Naruto, "that I would be happy to give you a ride around Kohona."

"That would be great." Sasuke nodded. The man showed them all his horse and carriage. The horse neighed, bringing to their attention that it was purple and orange spotted.

"What happened to your animal?" Gaara asked, looking at it. Sakura was obviously scared of it, and hid behind Gaara slightly. Naruto slid in next to Sasuke.

"Oh, it ate a poisonous mushroom. It's like a drug to that damn horse… like crack." He said, shaking his head. The foursome was quiet as the –literally- high horse started pulling the wagon. It's movements were dizzy and curvy, but it moved none the less. After it started a semi-straight path, the driver turned to look at us.

"So, where are you kids going, anyway?"

"We're going to see the wizard of Kohona…" Sakura said, still scared of the horse, and slightly scared of the man.

"Oh, the wizard? Heh, good luck. She doesn't see visitors." He said. "But, if you really want to try, we can take you to a salon first. You all pretty much look like shit right now." He said. They all looked at each other, and had to admit it was true. Gaara, even though he had been oiled, still had rust stains all over his body, along with a few dents here and there. Naruto's straw had been falling out since he fell off his pole, and was now almost completely empty. Sakura's 'fur' was in a tangled mess, and she had mud all over her face from being in the forest so long. Sasuke's hair was a horrible clump of nastiness on top of his head, since the humidity of Kohona had killed it, and his dress was ripped and torn all over. They all nodded, and the man began driving towards a big gate with a sign that said

The Tidy-Up Factory

On it. Sasuke thought it sounded like somewhere little girls send their dolls to be repaired. Not that he played with dolls or anything. Except on weekends. Anyway, through the gates they went, each getting dropped off at a specific station. Gaara was dropped off in a room that looked like a mechanic's studio, Sakura's looked like a vet, and Naruto's looked like a farm. Sasuke sighed as he was led to a room that really looked like a beauty shop. There were several girls working, running around, and generally looking really blonde. A girl with long, straight black hair led him to his seat. She didn't even bother to smile, getting right to work.

"Hi. My name is Neji, and I will be helping you today." Her voice was very deep for a girls, but who could argue with the facts? She had long hair, down to her waist, pretty, clear eyes, a nice ass, and small girly hands. You just didn't question things like that. Sasuke sighed as she pulled his head back, getting it all wet in her little sink, and walked in front of him to her cabinet, bending down to get some shampoo.

_Damn,_ Sasuke thought, _she has a nice ass._.

She got up, putting the shampoo on his hair. It smelled like strawberries. This irritated Sasuke slightly.

"You_ do_ know I'm a guy, right hon?" he asked, looking Neji. She stared at him in horrid disbelief for a second.

"No…I didn't…" She said, stunned for a second. "What did you call me?" Sasuke felt like he'd offended her.

"Um… you want me to call you ma'am?" he asked, looking up at Neji. She gave him an odd look again.

"No, not really. I'm a boy, you know." She said, his voice dropping even lower to emphasize the point. This time Sasuke was the one in an odd position. He almost screamed and jumped out of the chair. He had been checking out another guy's ass?! He just sat there in silent horror, questioning his straight-as-a-ruler-ness. Finally, he just decided to blame it on Neji for having such a nice ass.

"You should get a haircut." He said finally. Neji's grip on his hair tightened as he was brushing it.

"_What?_" he said, his voice a little over a whisper. It was creepy.

"Your hair's too long. It makes you look like a girl, so you should get it cut." Sasuke repeated, thinking he hadn't heard him. He twitched slightly, picking a comb off the desk beside him.

"I'm not cutting my hair." He said plainly, running the comb through sasuke's hair. He twisted it slightly, making it fall back as a small little curl.

"It's just a suggestion." Sasuke said, as he did it again, making some of his hair curl from the water and combing.

"My hair is beautiful. _I_ do not look like a girl." He said, heatedly. He was not happy, and it sent a chill through Sasuke the way he said 'I'. he twisted the comb a few more times, making Sasuke's hair fall around his face in raven black curls. He was getting irritated.

"Would you stop doing that? I don't like my hair curly." He said, tugging slightly at one of the ringlets. Neji grinned.

"Don't touch." He said, striking his hand away with his comb, twisting a few more locks of hair into spirals. Sasuke was getting anxious to see himself, since there were no mirrors in the 'salon'. Finally, Neji stopped twisting with his comb and put it back on the table, smirking satisfied.

"Don't diss my beautiful hair, when you're doesn't look too hot either." He sneered, and Sasuke heard a door open quietly behind him.

"Neji-kun, what are you doing?" Came a small, mouse-like voice. Sasuke spun around, his curls flying, to see who it was. It was a small, frail girl with the same kind of eyes as Neji, but she was defiantly a girl. Her voice was high and worried.

"Don't worry, Hinata. This guy just said my hair looks like a girl's." he said dryly. Hinata's eyes widened, and she looked apologetically at Sasuke as she walked over to him.

"I'll…um…lead you out now…" she said, grabbing his wrist and hurrying out the door. She bowed, muttered 'I'm sorry', and closed the door in his face. He was fairly sure he looked like Shirley Temple or Annie, with all his little ringlets hanging in his eyes. He sighed, walking off to find the others.


End file.
